Friday, April 3, 2009

Can't Cry Enough

The loss is irreversible.It also can not be expressed in words. But what hits you the hardest is the finality of the parting. A relationship has ended forever and you are left totally unprepared to handle the impact.

You turn your head to speak to the person and and are stunned to realise he is simply not there. For a moment there is denial. His presence is every come he is not around?The closet is full of his clothes. The bathroom shows his carelessly kept toiletries.. toothbrush, comb..the whole house is a heartache. His slippers. Books. Bags. Journals...

The grief seeps into you. There is a numbing pain and nothing seems to make it better.

The first night is the hardest, you wake up in the middle of the night and stare into darkness.How is it a person who was here just a few hours ago is gone forever?

Never will you hear his voice again. Never hear his foolish jokes. Never be taken aback with his startling laughter. There is something wedged deep in your throat and no amount of swallowing dislodges it.

Regret comes next. There are so many things you wish you had done. You wish you had recorded his voice. Captured more of his images. You wish you had taken that last walk together. Held his hand more often. Wish you could see him just one more time.

As days pass, you reluctantly accept the parting. You realise no matter how hard you pray, how hard you try, you can not bring him back. The part of you that was also a part of him no longer exists.

Mindless activities seem to help. Packing away his stuff. Giving away his possessions. Getting the paperwork done. Painful work that some how takes away a bit of your grief and helps pass the time. There is his big portrait on the wall and people come and tell you how serene he looks in it, how happy. You see it and think you would have preferred him in colour and three dimensions.

But you are polite to your well wishers and you nod without saying anything. You know that though they can never understand your grief, they also feel some pain. He was something to them too.

Life does not stop, and you also move on, picking up pieces. Slowly, ever so slowly, you build a life that no longer has him in it. It is tough but so are you.

Spring comes again. So does summer. Then autumn and winter. As years go by you may no longer think of him everyday. Your ache is no longer constant. You do know one thing deep in your heart though. No matter how many new relationships are now in your life, the precious one that you shared with him,can never be replaced. Ever.

1 comment:

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